A TEACHING TOLERANCE P U B L I C ATION
Beyond the
Golden Rule
Golden Rule
Beyond the
Golden Rule
A PARENT’S GUIDE
to Preventing and
Responding to Prejudice
A PARENT’S GUIDE
to Preventing and
Responding to Prejudice
II
Beyond the
Golden Rule
A Parent’s Guide to Preventing and
Responding to Prejudice
Written by Dana Williams
Illustrations by Vincent Nguyen
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Table of Contents
Introduction: Talking to Kids About Tolerance 4
About This Book 9
The Preschool Years, Ages 2-5 11
A Whole New World 13
‘She Just Knows She’s Different’ 15
Expert Q&A 17
5 Tips: The Preschool Years 19
The Elementary & Preteen Years, Ages 6-12 21
A Time for Social Growth 23
‘It’s a Work in Progress’ 26
Expert Q&A 27
5 Tips: The Elementary & Preteen Years 31
The Teen Years, Ages 13-17 33
Searching for Identity 35
‘We All Have a Responsibility’ 37
Expert Q&A 39
5 Tips: The Teen Years 43
Reecting Upon Our Own Biases 45
The Work Continues 47
‘It Goes Against My Feelings’ 48
A Difcult Conversation to Have 49
Expert Q&A 50
Personal Bias: A Reection Exercise 52
Closing: Talking To Kids About Prejudice 53
Organizations & Resources 55
Credits & Acknowledgements 56
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Talking to Kids
About Tolerance
e rst conversation my mother ever initiated with me about tolerance happened the
night before I started  rst grade.
I’d just  nished my bath and slipped into my Muppets pajamas, which matched the
Muppets lunchbox I’d painstakingly chosen for the new school year.
I dragged out what we called the hairbasket, a large wicker container of combs,
brushes, detanglers, ribbons and barrettes.  en I sat between my mother’s knees while
she parted and braided my hair.
On and on I chatted about the colorful new ensemble I planned to wear, how I would
surely have the prettiest out t and hair and, of course, the best shoes of all the girls in
my class.
My mother pulled extra hard on the section of hair she was braiding, one of her ways
of expressing displeasure with something I’d said or done.
I winced, and she told me something I’ve never forgotten: “You’re not any better than
anyone at that school, and don’t you ever behave like you are. And no one at that school
is any better than you, and don’t you ever let them make you believe they are.”
I didn’t know it then, but that statement was my mother’s attempt to introduce the
concept of tolerance to me, long before it was the buzzword it has become today. My
mother was teaching me to resist the notion of supremacy — both my own and other
people’s.
She went on to o er her version of the Golden Rule: “I want you to always treat oth-
ers like you’d want them to treat you — even if you were barefoot and dressed in rags.”
ose words echoed throughout my childhood, doled out as a one-size- ts-all solu-
tion to whatever social problems I faced at school.
Parents As Teachers
I have a child of my own now, and my mother’s words come back to me. And I know
this: Teaching tolerance must begin with the Golden Rule, but it certainly does not end
there. Too often, simply advising a child to “do unto others as you would have them do
unto you” is insu cient.
ere are times when we as parents must explain things that are painful and unfair
— racism, sexism, stereotypes, hate. Times when we must comfort our children, times
I have had to help my 10-year-old son learn that what some would do unto him isn’t
always kind or fair.
Like the day we stopped at a local carnival and I was forced to explain to him why
he could not have the small photo he had won while shooting darts — a caricature of a
bulldog against an image of the Confederate  ag.
Or the Christmas he wanted an Easy Bake Oven and couldn’t understand why family
( )
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members and friends balked at the notion.
Or why his elementary school’s “Indian” mascot — a feather-toting, stereotypical
warrior — was oensive and unacceptable.
Such moments have provided learning opportunities for my son and for me. Here’s
what I’ve learned:
Speak openly. When we are honest with children about our country’s history of big-
otry, sexism and stereotypes, we help prepare them to challenge these issues when they
arise. A child who knows the racial history of the Confederate ag, for example, is less
likely to brandish that symbol out of ignorance.
Model equity. As parents, we are our kids’ rst teachers. When it comes to teach-
ing tolerance, actions speak louder than words. When you say that boys and girls are
equal but refuse to buy your son an Easy Bake Oven because it’s a “girls’ toy,” what mes-
sage do you send?
Do something. Take a stand when you witness injustice. Challenge racism, bigotry
and stereotypes, and encourage your child to take action, too. Silence and inaction in
the face of bigotry condone it. With regard to oensive mascots, for example, hold a peti-
tion drive, write an editorial in the school paper, organize a boycott of the school supply
store — do something to make a dierence.
ese conversations are rarely easy, and sometimes we don’t have answers. What we
do have is time, patience and the desire to help our children grow into adults who value
and honor diversity. So that, someday, they might remember what we said the night
before they started rst grade — and be better people for it.
Dana Williams
Teaching Tolerance
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About is Book
Whether you are the parent of a 3-year-old who is curious about why a friend’s skin is
brown, the parent of a 9-year-old who has been called a slur because of his religion, or
the parent of a 15-year-old who snubs those outside of her social clique at school, this
book is designed to help you teach your children to honor the di erences in themselves
and in others — and to reject prejudice and intolerance.
ree age-speci c sections feature everyday parents sharing personal stories about the
challenges and rewards of raising children in today’s diverse world. Psychologists, educa-
tors and parenting experts o er practical, age-appropriate advice to help you integrate
lessons of respect and tolerance in day-to-day activities. And a  nal section o ers guid-
ance for re ecting upon your own biases, and how those biases a ect your parenting.
We welcome your thoughts on these issues. Email us at parents@tolerance.org, or
write to us at Beyond the Golden Rule, c/o Teaching Tolerance, 400 Washington Ave.,
Montgomery, AL 36104.
e Presc hool Years
PART ONE
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{Ages 2-5}
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A Whole New World
Your tumbling toddler has nally shifted her focus
from “I” and “I want” and is beginning to take
notice of the vast world around her. Along with
a desire for independence and exploration, this
new awareness brings a blossoming curiosity
about identity, her own and those around her. It
may seem that nearly every sentence she utters
now begins with “why” or “how.” Sometimes
the questions are about how things work or why
things happen. More often, though, the questions
are about other people — playmates, neighbors,
strangers and friends.
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“Why is my hair in braids and not long and bouncy like Megan’s?”
Why is that man in a wheelchair?”
“How did Derrick get two mommies?”
As early as age 2, according to research, children begin to take note of di erences in
other people. e preschool years mark your child’s  rst introduction to the character-
istics that have long grouped and divided humans: race, ethnicity, gender and physical
ability. From the curl in her hair, to the color of her eyes and skin, to the games she pre-
fers during playtime, your child is discovering the similarities and di erences she shares
with others in her world.
During the preschool years, you have perhaps the greatest impact on your child’s
perceptions and attitudes about di erence than at any other time in her childhood.
e manner in which you treat and discuss others based on similarity and di erence —
and the manner in which you respond to
your child’s natural curiosity about these
matters — provides the blueprint for her
reactions to them. Biases that you and
other adults convey, both positive and
negative, tell her who is safe and who
is dangerous, who is strong and who is
weak, who is beautiful and who is ugly.
ese messages have the power to turn
her “how” and “why” questions into judg-
ment statements:
“The teacher always tells Megan how
pretty her long, bouncy hair is; my braids
aren’t pretty.”
“Strong people can walk and run fast;
the man in the wheelchair isn’t strong.”
“Some people frown when they see
Derrick’s two mommies; having two
mommies is bad.”
Left unchecked, such judgments can
become precursors to poor self-esteem and social interactions based on prejudice or bias.
Fortunately, there are ways to discourage this. It is vital that we become aware of the many
ways our children learn and internalize prejudice, and the many ways we can counter-
act such in uences.
Too often, we label children’s questions and observations about di erences as impolite.
Rather than seizing the teachable moment, we ignore or discourage such remarks because
they make us uneasy.
e 5-year-old, for example, who surprises you with a question: “Is that man who
wears a turban a terrorist?” Or the 9-year-old who wants to know if the man wearing
baggy pants and a backwards cap belongs to a gang.
Seizing these moments as learning opportunities, rather than embarrassing moments
to be hushed or ignored, can help your child get past stereotypes and prejudicial images
and into a deeper understanding of the world around her.
Experts say honest and age-appropriate dialogue about these issues is the best approach.
ese real-life stories from everyday parents o er examples of such discussions.
‘SHE JuST knOwS SHE’S DIFFEREnT’
Alissa Hill, a 38-year old sexual assault case manager in San Antonio, Texas, is the mother
of two daughters.  e Hills, who identify as African American, live in a largely Latino
and white area of San Antonio. In fact, one of the daughters, 5-year-old Alexa, is the
only African American child in her preschool class.  at, Alissa says, has led to many
thought-provoking conversations.
“Soon after she started going to her preschool, she would come home every day and
say things like, ‘Mom, why am I darker than the other kids?’” Alissa says. “ is was new to
•••
Anne Ira of Kansas City, Mo.,
a white adoptive mother of a biracial
2 ½-year-old son:
“ ere was a teenage boy
sitting down on a park bench.
He saw me with Sam, and he
glared at me as if there was
something wrong. It reminded
me that there will be times
when Sam will be made to feel
uncomfortable because he is
biracial.”
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me, because in Illinois, where we lived before, Alexa was able to identify with people who
looked like her. I think this was the rst time she had to experience being the only one.”
Alissa says she was careful to answer Alexa’s questions in a positive way, highlighting
the good things about being di erent.
“I told her, ‘God makes all types of di erent people, and all of us are very special. ere
will be many times when you’ll be di erent from other people around you — you might
be the only girl playing with the boys or you might be the only kid around who likes to
eat a certain food,’” Alissa says. “I let her know there’s nothing wrong with being di er-
ent, and it doesn’t make you any better than or less than the next person.”
Alissa says she doesn’t believe Alexa has ever been made to feel isolated as the only
African American girl in her class. “She just knows she’s di erent,” she says. Alissa, the
daughter of a Korean mother and African American father, recalls experiencing similar
feelings during her own childhood.
“It was hard for me growing up as part of two di erent minority races,” she said.
“Sometimes, even when I was as young as Alexa … I felt embarrassed about my mother,
because she didn’t look like or speak like anyone else at my school. I didn’t want people
to see she was my mother because I thought they would laugh at me.”
at experience, Alissa says, has in uenced the way she talks to her children about
diversity.
“I never want my children to be ashamed of what they look like or where they come
from,” she explains. So when her daughters ask questions — “Why am I darker?” or “Why
do I look di erent?” — Alissa provides both an answer and an a rmation. “I explain why
being darker and di erent is beautiful and something they should be proud of.”
EXPERT Q&A
Derald Wing Sue, professor of psychology and education at Teachers College, Columbia
University; and Melanie Killen, professor of human development at the University of
Maryland, answer questions about parenting, preschoolers and prejudice.
What behaviors can parents expect to see with regard to preschoolers and their
awareness of difference?
Sue: We know children begin to notice racial and ethnic differences in particular
between the ages of 3 and 5. This brings about a naive curiosity that isn’t yet
linked to any positive or negative qualities about different groups of people. What
happens after that is that positive and negative qualities do come into the picture,
conveyed to children through their parents, signi cant others and the mass media.
Killen: Generally, kids become aware of gender very early. They are starting to notice
what they are and [what] other people are and whether they should be treated
differently. Initially, this is based mostly on physical appearance, as they are learning
what marks you for being a boy or girl. They might ask, “Is she a girl? She has short
hair.” Or, “Is he a boy? He’s playing with a doll.”
Then, later, around 4, race begins to come up, when kids become curious about things
like skin color. A lot of times, this is more of an issue for white majority kids who might
not be coming into contact with people of color that much where they are, so for them,
it’s more unusual. It’s very common for them to ask parents questions in public like,
“Why is her skin brown?” It’s not quite the same for minority kids — it’s not the same
•••
Dawn Wallace of Killen, Texas, an African American mother of two children,
whose father is Asian Paci c Islander:
“My daughter took gymnastics, and, when she saw some boys in
the gymnastics class, she stared and told me she didn’t know boys
could do gymnastics because it was for girls. I’ve always told her
that girls can do everything. I guess I needed to let her know that
boys and girls can do everything.”
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shock because they see people from the majority population all the time. Mostly, they aren’t
remarking or asking questions about it in public as much, but they do start to pick up on
preferential treatment based on race and ethnicity around this time.
What are some common mistakes or missteps that parents make when teaching preschoolers
about difference or responding to preschoolers’ questions about difference?
Sue: Many parents talk to their children about embracing difference, but in subtle, covert
ways, they communicate something very different. For example, when approaching a group
of black youngsters, a mother may unconsciously pull the child nearer to her. Also, many
white parents often talk to kids about the evils of prejudice and discrimination, yet in their
owns lives they have few friends or neighbors of color with whom they regularly socialize.
These implicit communications are more powerful than any intentional efforts on the part
of parents.
Killen: Parents sometimes get overly embarrassed or self-defensive [with] kids’ questions
about difference, especially when those questions are asked in a public way. Parents should
… treat them as honest inquiries, explain it to them like a scientic question and try not to
see them as a bad thing, because these questions are very natural. If a child asks a question
about someone’s brown skin and the parent gets defensive or embarrassed or tries to brush
the question aside, that child starts to associate that and think, “Is there something bad
about brown skin?”
Parents of preschoolers seem to be well-informed about things like choosing a safe booster seat
for the car or the importance of getting their youngsters to eat the proper foods. How can parents
become better informed about the importance of fostering an early appreciation for diversity?
Sue: For parents who want children to be good, decent and moral individuals who believe
in our democracy, the time for intervention is early. Whether we are talking about race,
gender or any kind of differences, no matter what words you use, inclusion has to be a part
of the conversation early on.
Killen: A lot of parents seem to think that teaching kids to appreciate difference is something
that’s nice if you do it, but then it doesn’t really matter if you don’t do it. I think the No. 1 thing
is to connect it to academic achievement, to make the connection for parents that kids who
are better prepared to get along with others are going to do better in school. It’s important
that kids learn how to get along because they will have to interact with different groups of
people in school, and if not school, then ultimately in the workplace one day.
5 TIPS: THE PRESCHOOL YEARS
Be honest. Don’t encourage children not to “see” color or tell children we are all
the same. Rather, discuss dierences openly and highlight diversity by choosing
picture books, toys, games and videos that feature diverse characters in positive, non-
stereotypical roles.
Embrace curiosity. Be careful not to ignore or discourage your youngster’s ques-
tions about differences among people, even if the questions make you
uncomfortable. Not being open to such questions sends the message that dierence is
negative.
Broaden choices. Be careful not to promote stereotypical gender roles, suggest-
ing that there are certain games, sports or activities that only girls can do or only
boys can do.
Foster pride. Talk to your child about your family heritage to encourage self-knowledge
and a positive self-concept.
Lead by example. Widen your circle of friends and acquaintances to include people
from dierent backgrounds, cultures and experiences.
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e Elementary
and Preteen
Years
PART TWO
2
{Ages 6-12}
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A Time for Social Growth
It seems like only yesterday you were arranging play
dates for your little one. Now, school project due
dates, game schedules and other extracurricular
activities are tracked on your refrigerator. ose
familiar “why” and “how” questions of the
preschool years have been replaced with new ones:
“Can I go…?” and “Can I have…?” Welcome to the
elementary and preteen parenting years.
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Along with your child’s growing list of activities comes a growing list of friends. From the
classroom to sports teams to the neighborhood playground, he now encounters more
and more opportunities to interact with others outside your watchful eye — and with
others who are dierent from him. He seeks a sense of belonging and acceptance from
peers, and these friendships are a vital part of his development. ey are friendships that
will be important later in life, too, as they provide the road map for future relationships,
teaching him how to resolve conict and get along with others across group lines.
Now that your child has moved beyond simply noticing the similarities and dier-
ences he shares with others, he is learning how such characteristics — and people’s
attitudes about such characteristics — have the power to make him and others feel
included or excluded among peers. During these years, your child is likely to be on the
receiving or giving end of such exclusion: being picked last for a basketball game because
he’s too short or too heavy; not inviting a classmate to his birthday party because she
speaks with a “funny” accent; being called names because of his skin color or religion.
While parental inuence plays a critical role in how children view and respond to dier-
ence, the elementary and preteen years mark a period when various outside sources also
are competing for inuence. Television and video games perpetuate stereotypes about
good guys and bad guys. Toy aisles limit girls to pink princess boxes and boys to trucks
•••
Karan Samuels of Newville, Penn., identies as white and Cherokee Indian and is the mother
of eight children, whose father is African American:
“Every day, my kids were coming home telling me that kids called
them ‘stupid N-word’ and harassed them about being biracial. e
harassment made them not want to participate in activities that
other kids take part in; my kids were afraid.”
•••
Yolanda Abel of Baltimore, Md., a 41-year-old single parent of
a 12-year-old African American daughter, Akila:
“Akila came home from school one day and asked me when
I’m going to get married. I told her, jokingly, ‘I’m going to marry
you.’ She looked at me and said, ‘Girls can’t marry each other.”’
Yolanda took that opportunity to explain that sometimes
people fall in love with people who are the same sex — and
about the fact that it’s OK not to marry.
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and action gures. Classmates and friends use language that puts down certain groups
of people: “at’s so gay.” “at’s so retarded.”
is is the time when the values you emphasized early on — and the behaviors you
modeled all along — are put into action. Have you emphasized the value of diversity?
Have you fostered a healthy sense of self-esteem by discussing positive aspects of your
heritage? Have you created open, honest dialogue about the myriad issues that dene
dierence — race, gender, class, ethnicity, ability, religion, etc.? More importantly, have
you modeled an appreciation of dierence through your own actions?
Experts say ongoing dialogue and good role-modeling are key to bringing up young
people who are open-minded, self-condent and accepting of others.
‘IT’S A wORk In PROgRESS’
Jennifer Roche is a 40-year-old writer in Chicago, Ill. She and husband John Svolos, 42,
are the parents of two children, including 6-year-old son, Zachary. Jennifer says exposing
her children to various types of diversity and teaching them to embrace dierence
always has been important to her family. ose values inuenced their decision to live
in downtown Chicago rather than the suburbs.
“I think the more diverse people children see, the more families of dierent religious
and economic backgrounds they are able to come in contact with, [the more] they are
able to understand the world,” says Jennifer, who identies her family as white. “It’s a
work in progress, but we’ve tried to immerse our kids in dierent cultures, from the
events we attend to the materials we bring into our house. We try to make sure all of it
reects the dierent things so many dierent people have contributed to our world.”
Jennifer admits such exposure has recently led to some interesting questions and
comments from Zachary.
“We were sitting in front of our house one day when two African American men walked
by, and Zachary said, ‘Mom, have you noticed how black people look tough?’” Jennifer
says she rst asked Zachary what he meant by the statement and then talked to him
about appearance, explaining that the way people treat others is far more important
than the way they look on the outside.
Jennifer believes it’s vital for parents and schools to work together when it comes to
teaching children to embrace dierence. She serves on the diversity committee at the
Montessori school Zachary attends. “It’s denitely a shared thing. I think parents and
teachers have to see the whole education of children as a collaboration. Neither can do
it alone,” she says. “I know my son’s teachers see him in social situations more than I do;
they see him interact in broader social groups. It’s important to me that his school and
the curriculum they use include teaching respect for dierence in an organic, sweeping
way — not a tokenizing way as in ‘Here’s our look at xyz culture.’”
EXPERT Q&A
Kevin Swick, a professor of early childhood education at the University of South Carolina,
Columbia, and Roni Leiderman, associate dean of the Mailman Segal Institute for Early
Childhood Studies at Nova Southeastern University in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., offer answers
to some common questions about youth and prejudice.
What are the common issues related to prejudice and tolerance that arise during the elementary
and preteen years?
Leiderman: Children are very aware of belonging or not belonging to the group at this age.
Peer relationships are paramount to them, and you’ll either see embracing of difference
or separation and discrimination coming in at this point, depending on what they’ve been
taught in the home. These are the years when you’ll either see the fruits of your labor or the
negative aspects of what you did or did not do during the preschool years.
Swick: This is the time when children want to compare themselves to others — body size,
appearance, ability. It’s a time when they are looking to feel accepted and to be a positive
part of their peer group or community.
Where does the most inuence upon children of this age come from regarding the development
of prejudice and bias?
Leiderman: Parents are the rst and most important and inuential teacher at this age.
What you allow them to read, watch, see and hear layers their foundation with all sorts of
information that will help form their responses to difference. If they attend a school that
lacks diversity, if they watch TV shows that paint stereotypical pictures of certain groups, if
they visit websites that use slurs and putdowns to describe people — all of these inuences
inform children’s responses to other people.
•••
Anna Solomon of Alameda, Calif., a Jewish mother of two children, including son Eli:
“One day Eli arrived at school to nd an 18-inch swastika
painted across the mural in front of his school. He knew what
a swastika was. It was a hurtful experience for him. He kept
asking, ‘Who would do that?’ My husband and I learned how
hard it can be to deal with the school on an issue like this; there
were those who told us it wasn’t a big deal. We also learned
that you can’t always protect your kids from hate, no matter
how hard you try. at’s why it’s so important to talk to them
about it, to prepare them for when it happens.”
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In many ways, schools are more segregated today than in past decades, and residential segregation
is a fact of life in many areas. How can parents foster respect for differences even when the school
environment lacks diversity?
Leiderman: Parents have to make an effort to get kids involved in activities outside the
school walls that will give them a different experience. You can be deliberate about the
sports clubs you sign up for. Getting kids involved in the arts is a good way to expose them
to people from different backgrounds, where they get to interact around something they love
to do and see that we all share strengths and talents. You can send them to summer camps
where they’ll come across other kids from diverse backgrounds. And parents should keep in
mind that elementary school is not too young for kids to volunteer. Volunteer experiences
are a good way to help kids understand the value of everyone.
Swick: There are so many ways to involve children in activities where they have an
opportunity to interact with people who aren’t necessarily like them. Parents can arrange for
children to do service through their church. They can purposely get them and their friends
involved in service activities with people from different parts of the community. We cannot
limit kids’ exposure to diversity to just the school day.
Many believe that teaching tolerance is the job of white parents, while the job of parents of color
is to prepare their children for intolerance. Are the responsibilities different for white parents vs.
parents of color?
Leiderman: To believe that is to believe that prejudice and discrimination only involve race
and ethnicity, when in fact, those issues are only the tip of the iceberg. It also assumes that
only white parents are capable of raising children who may be guilty of prejudice, when,
really, we all share that capacity. When you limit the discussion to just issues of race, you
are cutting out 50 percent of the conversation.
Swick: The responsibilities run across the board for both white parents and non-white
parents. All parents need to prepare kids for intolerance, and all parents need to prepare kids
for being appreciative of other people. Prejudice works many different ways, and everybody
has experienced this to some degree, so all parents need to be prepared to address it.
Teachers often say parents are one of the biggest challenges they face when attempting to
incorporate anti-bias lessons in the classroom. Why are so many parents reluctant to allow schools
to address these issues?
Leiderman: Often the reason is fear or deep-rooted experiences with discrimination. Many
parents know these lessons will bring about all kinds of questions from their children
about some issues they may be uncomfortable discussing. Some of the questions their
children will ask might be painful to answer. This is why teachers have to work to educate
families, too. This work can’t be done in isolation; it requires an open dialogue among
teachers and parents.
While many parents are well aware of the need to talk to elementary and preteen children about
issues such as drugs, alcohol use, smoking and safe sex practices, it seems talking to kids about
the dangers of prejudice is not always as high on parents’ radars. Should it be?
Leiderman: Often in seminars or workshops, I ask parents, “What do you want your child to
be?” I’ll get one or two who say a doctor or a lawyer, but for most parents, the answer is happy.
The real essence is if you want to raise children who are happy, who form quality relationships
in their lives, who are successful in their careers and who are good partners and good parents,
you have to discuss these issues with your kids.
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Swick: These issues have to be on parents’ radars. They are what’s killing us. And it’s a
problem even bigger than drugs or alcohol. All over the world, we are killing each other
because we don’t know how to value each other’s differences. Discussing these issues with
kids has to be a priority, and the earlier the better.
5 TIPS: THE ELEMEnTARY & PRETEEn YEARS
Model it. Talking to your child about the importance of embracing di erence and
treating others with respect is essential, but it’s not enough. Your actions, both
subtle and overt, are what she will emulate.
Acknowledge difference. Rather than teaching children that we are all the same,
acknowledge the many ways people are di erent, and emphasize some of the pos-
itive aspects of our di erences — language diversity and various music and cooking
styles, for example. Likewise, be honest about instances, historical and current, when
people have been mistreated because of their di erences. Encourage your child to talk
about what makes him di erent, and discuss ways that may have helped or hurt him at
times. After that, nding similarities becomes even more powerful, creating a sense of
common ground.
Challenge intolerance. If your child says or does something indicating bias or
prejudice, don’t meet the action with silence. Silence indicates acceptance, and
a simple command — “Don’t say that” — is not enough. First try to nd the root of the
action or comment: “What made you say that about Sam?” en, explain why the
action or comment was unacceptable.
Seize teachable moments. Look for everyday activities that can serve as spring-
boards for discussion. School-age children respond better to lessons that involve
real-life examples than to arti cial or staged discussions about issues. For example, if
you’re watching TV together, talk about why certain groups often are portrayed in ste-
reotypical roles.
Emphasize the positive. Just as you should challenge your child’s actions if they
indicate bias or prejudice, it’s important to praise him for behavior that shows
respect and empathy for others. Catch your child treating people kindly, let her know
you noticed, and discuss why it’s a desirable behavior.
32
33
e Teen Years
PART THREE
3
{Ages 13-17}
34
35
Searching for Identity
Not long ago, you shopped for clothes together,
planned birthday parties and sleepovers and
enjoyed family movie nights. Today, it seems she’d
rather hide behind her locked bedroom door than
be seen in public with you. Your opinions are less
desired; though behind the humor, sarcasm or
sullenness, she still listens to you more than you
may realize.
36
37
You now are the proud parent of a teenager. In her growing quest for self-identity, your
teen may try on new looks, new thoughts, new attitudes. Whether a part of the in-crowd,
the out-crowd or somewhere in between, she searches for a sense of belonging among
peers. You can only hope that in seeking such, she remembers the values and lessons
you have spent years attempting to instill.
Outside in uences do a ect the way your teen views herself and her peers. What
message does the swimsuit ad send about girls and body image? What stereotypes does
the music video perpetuate about
women? While your views may not
be those your teen seeks rst — or
at all — with so many outside in u-
ences competing for her attention, it’s
important that you continue to share
them and encourage her to share her
views, too.
It is during the teen years that
the lessons you have imparted
about embracing di erence begin to
have real-world impacts and conse-
quences. It is also during these years
that your own beliefs about di er-
ence may be tested. For example, you
always encouraged her to socialize
and play with friends from all back-
grounds when she was younger. Now,
however, she may be dating. Do you
still strongly encourage socializing
across racial and ethnic lines, or has
your comfort level shifted?
Experts say open dialogue between
parents and teens is key to continu-
ing early lessons about difference.
Providing messages that promote
healthy self-esteem can go a long way
to encourage her to embrace di erence in herself and others. And while your words
always are important, your actions now are more important than ever before. Teens are
quick to identify and reject hypocrisy from parents and other adults.
‘wE ALL HAvE A RESPOnSIBILITY’
Susan Gordon Ryan of New York is a 56-year-old mother of two teenagers, a 13-year-old
daughter, Taylor, and an 18-year-old son, Shayne. As vice president of development for
a nonpro t organization dedicated to serving and empowering people with disabilities
— and as a survivor of childhood polio who lives with several residual e ects from the
disease —Susan has strong beliefs about what and how children should be taught about
di erences.
“I really think a lot of tolerance education is done by example,” Susan says. “Growing
up with a disability, I saw that a lot of it has to do with educating both the children and
adults who are around about what it means to be di erent. Barriers are broken when
we are introduced to people who aren’t just like us.”
In many ways, Susan says, children pick up cues from parents about how to respond
to di erences. “If a child comes over and asks a question about someone’s disability, you
•••
Cindy Hilbinger of Greensboro, N.C., the white
mother of 13-year-old Katie Bess:
“I’ve talked a lot about the
immigration issue — it’s
personal to me because, [as an
ESL teacher,] I work with a lot
of immigrant students. I talk to
Katie Bess about some of the
rhetoric we hear in the news and
about why people have certain
attitudes about immigration. I
hope that in doing that, she’ll be
less likely to believe everything
she hears or to have a negative
view of immigrants.”
38
39
should answer,” she says. “ere is a purity about children when they’re open to asking
questions. A lot of parents will discourage it, but it shouldn’t be discouraged. Children
aren’t asking in a cruel sense, and there is nothing wrong with honest questions.”
At times, Susan has had to remind her own children that it’s OK to ask questions. She
remembers a few years ago when her daughter came home from school and was upset
because a classmate asked a question about the crutch Susan uses to walk. “My daugh-
ter burst into tears, saying, ‘I don’t want them to call you disabled or talk about your
crutch,’” Susan recalls. “I let her know it was all right for her classmates to make those
comments, and I tried to help her feel more comfortable responding by reassuring her
that her friends were just being curious.”
Susan believes real acceptance comes with familiarity and has seen evidence of that
belief in her two children. “I think it was inherent for them,” she says of Taylor and
Shayne. “I think there is a certain sensitivity and awareness that comes along with hav-
ing a parent who has a disability, and that sensitivity and awareness goes beyond me
or what I need done. ey have always been good about helping others, too. And they
have always been good about recognizing unfairness and injustice and wanting to do
something about it.”
Susan’s son, Shayne, is entering his freshman year in college and has chosen special
education as his major. Her daughter, Taylor, now volunteers for a local toy-lending
library for children with disabilities.
Instilling the desire to accept and help others is something every parent can do, Susan
says. “It’s in the example that we set for our children. No matter who we are, what we
look like or what our experiences are, we all have a responsibility to teach tolerance.”
EXPERT Q&A
Constance A. Flanagan, a professor of youth civic development at Pennsylvania State
University; Marvin Megibow, a clinical psychologist and professor (emeritus) of psychology
at California State University, Chico; Lois Christensen, associate professor of curriculum and
instruction at the University of Alabama, Birmingham; and Cynthia Garcia Coll, professor of
education, psychology and pediatrics at Brown University, answer questions about parenting,
teen development and prejudice.
What are the most common behaviors and problems related to prejudice, discrimination and
tolerance that arise during the teen years?
Flanagan: Teens are keenly aware of social status and group membership and of the
ranking of social groups. This allows them to also be more aware of the perspective of “the
other.” They are able to empathize more and have a better understanding of the poor, the
dispossessed, etc., because they are so emotionally sensitive to feeling excluded themselves.
Because they get those concepts, this is a good time for parents to continue lessons about
valuing difference and to encourage them to get involved with projects that help them
become more civically engaged.
Megibow: The issue of identity comes up a lot during this period. (Teens) tend to be trying
to nd their way and develop their own personal identities, which sometimes can be
threatened by any sense of difference. The teen peer culture contributes to nding ways of
putting people down because of difference; and by this period, teens have either learned
from home or from our society to put people down because of difference, or embrace it.
Coll: First, there is more discrimination felt during these years, often from adults in power
positions — police, teachers, storekeepers. Teenagers have bigger bodies, they dress
differently, they are closer to adulthood and are now seen as more of a threat than when
they were younger. In many ways our society views adolescents as dangerous. When you
add gender, race and ethnicity in the equation, it’s even worse, because those teenagers
may now experience overt discrimination that they might not have experienced before.
The second issue is that teenagers are dealing with intimate, amorous relationships, and
while some parents may have been very comfortable allowing their kids to play with kids of
different races and backgrounds, they might now be uncomfortable with it.
Experts stress how important it is for parents to teach kids about valuing difference in the early
years. Are the teen years too late to teach these lessons?
Christensen: Because of the everyday situations that come up in life, there will always be
moments to teach such lessons. Hurricane Katrina is an excellent example. It provided so many
examples of the vast differences in our society because it was so easy to see who seemed to
matter and who did not seem to matter, who had and who didn’t have. Teenagers are able to grasp
those kinds of complex issues better than younger children, and parents can use those issues to
get across their own values and opinions and get teenagers to open up and talk about theirs.
•••
Patricia Beede of Rhode Island, an adoptive white mother of a 13-year-old daughter, Nicole,
who is African American:
“I was driving Nicole and some of her friends around. We
passed by a group home, and Nicole’s best friend said, in kind
of a mocking way, ‘at’s where those group home girls live.’
Nicole spoke up and said, ‘ere’s no such thing as ‘group
home girls.’” She then explained that those who live in group
homes aren’t responsible for their situations and that living in a
group home doesn’t dene them. “I was proud of Nicole. I once
bought her a button that says, ‘Speak up, even if your voice
shakes.’ She put that button on, and I can honestly say that I
believe that’s how she tries to live her life. She gets it, I think.”
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41
Flanagan: It’s never too late. Lessons come up all the time; they can come up in families.
There may be older members of families, for instance, and teenagers hear or witness
prejudices among those people. That’s the time for parents to call those relatives on it and
teach their teenagers to be brave enough not to be bystanders. It’s so easy to raise issues of
exclusion in this country — they’re in the news all the time, so there are always opportunities
for parents to bring them up with their kids.
Self-segregation can be a common phenomenon among teens. Should parents be concerned about
it? What can parents do to encourage teens to widen their circle of friends?
Megibow: Kids are always going to try to be at a maximum comfort level. When seeking
and learning about their own identity, it’s normal for teenagers to seek out certain
characteristics in others that make them feel more comfortable with their identity. That
is often found in the people who are most like them. It’s not really something parents need
to be concerned about, as long as there are other opportunities for the child to associate
with people outside of that comfort zone — in church groups or in the neighborhood or
other social activities.
Coll: I think parents should recognize that teenagers, like all humans, nd a certain sense of
comfort in being around people who are like them. That does tend to happen with teens in
schools. Parents have to know that it happens and then think about extracurricular activities,
summer programs, vacations, as ways to help make kids more comfortable crossing cultural
and group lines. And parents have to make those choices in their own lives, too, and  nd
ways to widen their own friendship circles.
Flanagan: There are lots of other good mechanisms for teens to meet others and for parents
to encourage inter-group relations. Service learning and volunteering in the community
are examples, but that is an area where you have to be careful not to reinforce some of
the stereotypes about different groups. For example, when all the kids of privilege go to
work in communities that aren’t [privileged], that can sometimes reinforce stereotypes.
It’s important to look for ways for kids to have those opportunities while working alongside
different groups of people, not going to volunteer for those people.
It’s a common belief that teenagers don’t talk to parents very much, choosing instead to talk to
peers. How, then, can parents get teenagers to open up and discuss issues of tolerance, prejudice
and discrimination?
Christensen: Kids of all ages, but especially teenagers, relate very well to inquiry. Parents
can ask kids what they think about certain issues and let them answer, really making an
effort to respect their views even if they don’t always agree. But another way to get kids
talking is to provide opportunities for them to talk. If we know that kids are comfortable
talking to peers, let’s bring them together in diverse groups, let’s encourage them to talk
about these kinds of issues and share what they think about solving problems.
Megibow: Broadly speaking, parents should make themselves available for such
conversations and make sure the kids know they are available to talk about any subject.
And parents should be careful not to always take one-word answers as suf cient. Don’t
stop at the “nothin’” — try to probe deeper. Also, parents can create situations in the family
for people to come together — mealtime, leisure activities. Those are the moments where
conversations happen naturally, and teenagers are less likely to feel like they are being put
on the spot or questioned.
42
43
Coll: I think the notion that teens don’t like to talk to parents is a little exaggerated. Yes, there
are times when they don’t want to talk, but then there are times when they can’t wait to talk.
What parents can do is keep talking, keep [instilling] the values and even more importantly,
make sure that if you do the talk, you also walk the walk. With preschoolers and younger
kids, parents might be able to get away with the “do as I say and not as I do,” but teenagers
won’t live with that contradiction. If you are talking to teenagers about how and why they
should practice values of tolerance and embrace difference, and you’re not doing that in
your actions, they will reject those messages from you.
5 TIPS: THE TEEn YEARS
Keep talking. Many believe the last thing teens are interested in is having a con-
versation with parents. But even if your teen doesn’t initiate conversations about
issues of di erence, nd ways to bring those topics up with them. Use current issues
from the news, such as the immigration debate or same-sex marriage, as a springboard
for discussion. Ask your teen what she thinks about the issues.
Stay involved. Messages about di erences exist all around your teen: the Internet,
songs, music videos, reality shows, ads and commercials, social cliques at school.
Know the websites your teen enjoys visiting; take time to listen to or watch the music
and shows they enjoy. en discuss the messages they send. Ask your teen about the
group or groups she most identi es with at school. Discuss the labels or stereotypes
that are associated with such groups.
Live congruently. Discussing the importance of valuing di erence is essential, but
modeling this message is even more vital. Evaluate your own circle of friends or
the beliefs you hold about certain groups of people. Do your actions match the values
you discuss with your teen? Teens are more likely to be in uenced by what you do than
what you say, so it’s important for your words and behaviors to be congruent.
Broaden opportunities. It may be natural for teens to stick to groups they feel
most comfortable with during the school day.  ese often are the people they iden-
tify as being most like themselves. Provide other opportunities for your teen to interact
with peers from di erent backgrounds. Suggest volunteer, extracurricular, worship and
work opportunities that will broaden your teen’s social circle.
Encourage activism. Promote ways for your teen to get involved in causes he cares
about. No place for him to hang out with friends? Encourage him to get together
with peers to lobby city o cials for a teen social center or skate park. Upset about dis-
criminatory treatment of teenagers by a storekeeper or business? Give your teen
suggestions for writing a letter of complaint or planning a boycott. When young people
know they have a voice in their community, they are empowered to help resolve issues
of injustice.
44
45
Re ecting Upon
Our Own Biases
PART FOUR
4
{All Ages}
46
47
e Work Continues
No matter how open-minded or accepting we
believe ourselves to be, and no matter how good a
job we think we are doing when it comes to raising
tolerant children, this fact remains: We all carry
prejudice and biases.
48
49
e personal biases we hold as parents signicantly inuence what we teach, and
don’t teach, our children about valuing dierence.
Some of us may have internalized negative attitudes about our identity groups
because of racism and discrimination that we experienced growing up. As such, we
sometimes pass these negative attitudes along to our children, or we are reluctant to
have open, honest dialogue about discrimination with our children because these con-
versations are too painful.
Others of us may have been raised in families where parents and other relatives con-
veyed racist and discriminatory attitudes about other groups of people. Even if we do
not openly display such behavior, it may aect our beliefs about others on a subcon-
scious level. Knowingly or unknowingly, we can pass along many of these unspoken
beliefs to our own children.
Simply living in a society in which discrimination — at times, legal — has played such
a prominent role aects us all on some level.
We know that biases are learned. We also know that we as parents impart many of the
most important, lasting lessons in our children’s lives. If we hope to pass on lessons that
emphasize acceptance and tolerance, we have to be willing to live those values. is calls
on us to take on the crucial work of reecting upon and addressing our personal biases. It
is work that is rarely easy — and work that must be ongoing.
‘IT gOES AgAInST MY FEELIngS’
A 35-year-old woman in Minnesota, who asked that her name not be used, says teaching
her 2-year-old son to value diversity is an important part of her parental responsibility.
She works as a public school teacher in an area of the state that has a large Latino
population. Growing up in a suburban Minneapolis neighborhood, the woman, who
is white, says she did not encounter a lot of diversity, nor did her parents discuss the
issue much.
“My dad’s family was actually pretty racist, but my mom was quick to tell us why what
we said was wrong if we spoke badly about other people.”
She sees similarities in her own household, describing her husband’s strong and neg-
ative beliefs about diversity as very dierent from her own.
“He will often make negative remarks about the Hispanics in our community. He
believes the stereotype that all Hispanics are lazy, and he says these things around our
son, which makes me very nervous about what (our son) will think about other chil-
dren when he starts school.”
As a public school teacher, she believes she has learned a lot about stereotypes by
simply looking at students she works with who regularly prove them wrong. She con-
siders herself to be very accepting of diversity and hopes to teach her son not to take in
messages that stereotype groups of people.
“I don’t want my son to think it’s OK to think certain groups of people are all one way,”
she says.
She admits, however, that becoming a mother and making decisions for her child have
caused her to question some of her attitudes, especially regarding her son’s education.
“ere are many parents in our community who are afraid that the needs of so many
ESL students in the district’s schools may jeopardize their children’s educational needs,”
she says.
“I know that when a majority of kids aren’t getting it, they slow the lessons down to
accommodate kids that need more help. I am considering placing (my son) in a private
school when it’s time for him to go to school. I want my son to get a good education,
and I just don’t want to put him in the middle. Knowing that I’m having these thoughts
makes me very uncomfortable, because it goes against my feelings that people are equal
and that diversity is a good thing.”
She has about three years before she’ll have to make a decision about where to enroll
her son in school and hopes to nd a solution that doesn’t go against her beliefs.
“It’s something we’ll have to gure out. If we do choose private school, I hope he
will still be exposed to some diversity, and if not in school, maybe in some outside
activities.”
A DIFFICuLT COnvERSATIOn TO HAvE
Malynda Coleman of Arizona is a 31-year-old mother of two daughters and a son, ages
7, 4 and almost 1.
While Malynda, who is African American, believes parents should teach children the
importance of valuing those who are dierent from themselves, she has yet to bring the
topic up with her own children.
“We haven’t gone over it yet because it hasn’t been an issue,” she says. e topic was,
however, an issue during Malynda’s childhood. For that reason, Malynda expects talk-
ing about racism and discrimination with her own kids may be dicult.
“When I grew up, there was a lot of prejudice in Arizona. I went to school with mostly
white kids, and sometimes I did feel like people treated me dierently,” she says. “But I
probably wouldn’t bring it up to my kids until they bring it up to me.”
While Malynda has yet to discuss issues of racism and discrimination with her chil-
dren, she believes it is important to reinforce their African American heritage at home
— especially because the children attend schools that are predominantly white.
“I buy books and games that talk about who we are,” she says. “I make sure they have
baby dolls to play with that come in all the dierent skin tones, because I want them to
be able to see that beauty is in all colors. I teach them about dierent things that blacks
have done, like black inventors.”
She adds, “I want my kids to know who we are and where we are now, but I guess with-
out making them think about some of the things that I had to go through when I grew up.
Hopefully they won’t really have to experience those things.”
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51
EXPERT Q&A
Kerby T. Alvy, founder and executive director of the California-based Center for the
Improvement of Child Caring, answers questions about how parents’ biases and experiences
with discrimination affect the raising of their children, and why, when it comes to bias, self-
reection is an important parenting responsibility.
How do parents’ own biases impact their children?
Alvy: Much of the time this occurs unconsciously. Parents, in their own behavior —
especially facial expressions and posture and body language — convey a lot that kids see.
Other times, it can be more obvious, when parents actually talk about their biases out loud.
Parents may tell children they don’t want them associating with a certain group of people.
For some, prejudice can be a family value.
There are also times when parents participate in ethnic self-disparagement. That happens
often in groups where negative attitudes from society have affected the way people see and
feel about themselves. Parents sometimes perpetuate those attitudes with their children.
You see this, for example, in an African American family that looks down upon being “too
dark.” It is possible to have prejudice against your own.
What happens when parents are not on the same page about what to teach their children about
respect for differences?
Alvy: Because bias is learned within the context of intimacy — family relationships are
intimate relationships — children can feel some loyalty to uphold negative attitudes if these
are the attitudes that even one parent conveys. When parents have different attitudes, those
mixed messages put the child in a difcult position. It’s important that parents are united
about how they want their children to feel about other people and how they want them to
think about differences.
Reecting upon personal bias can mean admitting or acknowledging shortcomings — and admitting
that you need help to address those issues. Is this a difcult thing to get parents to do?
Alvy: I think parents in general are interested in being educated. They already have made
this commitment to bring up another human. Sometimes that involves training. I believe
training is something that parents deserve — it’s their right. And it isn’t just something for
those who are having trouble. It’s for all of us. I think that when you approach it from the
view that education and training are what parents need and deserve, and not something
that is needed because parents have somehow gone wrong, parents are more open to
doing the work.
It is honorable for parents to acknowledge that they have bias, and this is not something to
be ashamed of. We are all products of this marvelous society; we are products of what we
learned as just little kids, before we developed critical faculties. It is impossible for anyone
to have been brought up in the United States without having been inuenced by racist
attitudes and practices. Parents should not blame themselves, but rather accept that fact as
the baseline and then be vigilant about always asking ourselves if we are coming from a place
of racism or stereotyping. Doing that and asking those questions takes work from all of us.
How can parents be encouraged to address and assess their own biases? What benets can they
expect from doing that work?
Alvy: I believe the biggest challenge of humankind is the ability to accept difference. We need
to let parents know that this is a very important issue, even more in our time today than in
previous times, as the world and as our cities become more pluralistic. It’s something parents
need to be aware of for humanitarian and practical reasons. Most kids are going to school
with people from different backgrounds. And for those who are not, for those who are in
segregated areas, it’s even more important to highlight the issue of out-group relationships.
Parents have to know that it is very important for kids to get along for their own educational
advancement. Also, today’s workplace is a pluralistic workplace. No matter what our jobs
are, we will nd ourselves working with people from all different backgrounds. Group work
and group decision-making also are an important part of today’s workplace. We have to
know how to interact with all kinds of people for that to work. The bottom line is that we as
parents should recognize that it is educationally practical and economically practical to lay
a foundation for acceptance and tolerance.
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53
PERSOnAL BIAS: A REFLECTIOn EXERCISE
Use these journal prompts to explore your experiences with and attitudes about dierence.
1. e rst time I became aware of dierences was when …
2. As I was growing up, my parent(s) taught me that people who were dierent from
us were…
3. As I was growing up, my parent(s) taught me that people who were like us were …
4. A time I was mistreated because of my own dierence was when …
5. A time I mistreated someone for being dierent was when …
6. I feel most comfortable when I am around people who …
7. I feel least comfortable when I am around people who …
8. e memories I have of dierences aect my parenting by …
Talking to Kids
About Prejudice
“White people are crazy!” my son exclaimed as he folded his arms, plopped down on the
couch and emptied two stfuls of candy from his jacket pockets onto the coee table.
He had just returned from our city’s annual holiday parade with a neighbor, and,
needless to say, this was not the event commentary I expected.
“What in the world are you talking about?” I asked, puzzled.
He continued sounding o about a “racist” woman he had the misfortune of stand-
ing next to during the parade.
He told me the woman, who had three small children with her, had shouted at him
when he accidentally stepped on her foot. When he apologized and told the woman he
didn’t do it intentionally, she glared at him.
“She just kept looking at me like I was a bad kid,” he said. “And she kept telling me I
better not get in front of her kids when I wasn’t even trying to get in front of her kids.”
I suggested that perhaps she was just mean and not necessarily racist. But he was
adamant, saying he also overheard the woman telling her children not to “let that little
black boy get in front of you.”
“Why do you think she said that to her kids?” I asked.
“Maybe she thought I wanted to jump in front of them and take their candy, even
though I would not do that,” he said. “Some people think all black boys do bad things
like steal and ght, so maybe that’s what she was thinking about me.”
Sadly, I couldn’t argue with his response.
Stopping the Cycle
Indeed there are some people — many people — who believe young, black boys like my
son are little more than troublemakers. e truth is, whether we admit or deny it, most
of us believe some generalization or another about those who are dierent from us.
Some of us, like the woman at the parade, openly act upon those assumptions, while
others keep it hidden or reveal it behind closed doors.
I explained to my son that prejudice always has existed and always will exist; that’s
just the way it is. But incidents like the one he experienced during the parade have a lot
to teach us, about other people and about ourselves. Such incidents can even help stop
the cycle of prejudice, I told him.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
I reminded him of how he stormed in the door a few moments earlier, loudly announc-
ing, “White people are crazy.” I explained that in the same way it is wrong for others to
make blanket assumptions about all black boys being troublemakers, it also is wrong
for him to let one incident with one white woman taint his view of all white people.
We All Face It
At some time or another, every parent must explain incidents of prejudice and racism to
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55
Organizations & Resources
Teaching Tolerance
Teaching Tolerance o ers free print and online resources to K-12 educators and parents,
including a collection of monthly parenting columns designed to help address issues of
tolerance and diversity with children.
Teaching Tolerance
A project of the Southern Poverty Law Center
400 Washington Avenue
Montgomery, AL 36104
(334) 956-8382
www.tolerance.org/parents
Center for the Improvement of Child Caring
e Center for the Improvement of Child Caring o ers parent skill-building programs
taught in communities across the country, including the E ective Black Parenting
Program and Los Niños Bien Educados.
Center for the Improvement of Child Caring (CICC)
11331 Ventura Boulevard, Suite 103
Studio City, CA 91604-3147
(818) 980-0903
www.ciccparenting.org
Anti-Defamation League
e Anti-Defamation League o ers print and online resources to help parents and
educators combat hate and bigotry among children, including Hate Hurts: How Children
Learn and Unlearn Prejudice.
Anti-Defamation League
823 United Nations Plaza
New York, NY 10017
(212) 490-2525
www.adl.org
Families First
Families First provides parent training programs designed to help parents raise children
who are productive, healthy, caring members of their communities.
Families First Parenting Programs Inc.
99 Bishop Richard Allen Drive
Cambridge, MA 02139
(617) 868-7687
www.families-fi rst.org
children. Here are some suggestions for having such conversations in your family:
Be frank. Explain to kids the very real issues of racism and prejudice. While racism
and prejudice aren’t factors in every incident, they certainly are factors in many. When
your child has faced such an incident, don’t be afraid to name it.
Keep your cool. No one likes the idea of her child being exposed to an incident of rac-
ism or prejudice, and often, such incidents anger us greatly. But when parents are able to
remain calm, children feel more comfortable turning to us when these incidents arise.
Admit your own issues. We all struggle with prejudice, bias and stereotypes. Be hon-
est with kids about your own issues and how you work to overcome them. Not everyone
who struggles with bias or prejudice is “bad.” Knowing this can help kids grow to recog-
nize their own biases and encourage them to search for common ground with others.
Talk regularly. Don’t wait for an incident of racism or bias to occur before discussing
such issues with kids. Look critically at stereotypes and race issues in the media and in
everyday life. Incorporate discussions about such issues in day-to-day conversations.
As painful as explaining moments of prejudice or bias to my son can be, sometimes
I’m thankful for such opportunities. If more people found ways to examine their day-to-
day interactions and honestly discuss race issues, our nation would be healthier and
more tolerant for it. And perhaps my son could return home from the annual holiday
parade shouting about  oats, candy and lights — not racism.
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Credits & Acknowledgements
Writer: Dana Williams
Illustrator: Vincent Nguyen
Editor: Brian Willoughby
Project Manager: Jennifer Holladay
External Reviewers: Dr. Kerby T. Alvy, Laurie Cornelius and Leann Johnson
Sta Editors: Lecia J. Brooks, J. Richard Cohen, Tafeni English, Booth Gunter, Camille
Jackson, Carrie Kilman and Rhonda omason
Design Director: Russell Estes
Designers: Valerie Downes, Russell Estes
Print Production: Betty Ru
Web Production: Ryan King
Special thanks to the following experts and educators who provided tips, strategies and
advice for this book:
Dr. Kerby T. Alvy (Center for the Improvement of Child Caring), Dr. Lois Christensen
(University of Alabama, Birmingham), Dr. Cynthia Garcia Coll (Brown University), Dr.
Constance A. Flanagan (Pennsylvania State University), Dr. Melanie Killen (University
of Maryland), Tony Lamantia, Dr. Roni Leiderman (Nova Southeastern University), Dr.
Marvin Megibow (California State University, Chico), Dr. Derald Wing Sue (Teacher’s
College, Columbia University), Dr. Kevin Swick (University of South Carolina,
Columbia)
And thanks to the dozens of parents — named and unnamed — who shared personal
stories and experiences through email, letters, phone calls and interviews, including:
Yolanda Abel, Tom and Marguerite Almond, Jessica Ausburn, Patricia Beede, Malynda
Coleman, Melinda Go, Gina Hahn, Patricia Harper, Alissa Hill, Cindy Hilbinger, Anne and
Bill Ira, Wendy Elaine Landau, Jennifer Roche, Susan Gordon Ryan, Karan Samuels, Loel and
Anna Solomon, Mary ornton-Vogel, Dawn Wallace
Finally, Teaching Tolerance thanks the supporters of the Southern Poverty Law Center
whose generosity made this handbook possible.
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teach i ng
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